By Stephen Maloney, Staff Writer
In any other city, in any other state, I would have had a very bad night after Endymion rolled the Saturday before Mardi Gras.
Luckily, my story took place in the heart of New Orleans while it was immersed in the state of Mardi Gras.
My friends and I staked out a piece of land on the corner of St. Charles and Louisiana early on Friday.
Like frontiersmen racing to plant our flag on the unclaimed territory of the wide open west at the end of the 19th century, we laid our claim and dug in for the duration.
Most of the group went home and slept in comfortable, clean and warm beds after the last beads were thrown, but my friend Brandon Page and I decided to camp out on the neutral ground.
Bacchus was less than 24 hours away and we weren’t giving up our spot for anyone.
Brandon left to walk one of the girls in the group to her car, leaving me alone to hold down the fort.
At some point, I realized my feet were numb, which probably had something to do with the howling wind and the temperature, which was hovering around freezing all night.
I decided I had to do something about my feet, so I walked over to my car, which was parked half a block off of St. Charles on Toledano, a great and valuable parking spot.
I climbed behind the wheel, cranked the ignition, turned on the heater and reclined my seat.
At some point, I dozed off, partly out of physical exhaustion, but I suspect there were other culprits.
Some of them were still floating in half melted ice inside of my ice chest on the neutral ground, but most had already been relieved of their 12 fluid ounces of revelry.
So I’m in my driver’s seat, listing to the Dirty Dozen Brass Band, feeling the warmth and sensation creep back into my lower extremities, and the next thing I know I’m climbing into my passenger’s seat and some guy I don’t recognize is getting behind the wheel of my still idling car.
An indeterminate amount of time later, I open my eyes and realize something is wrong.
Someone is driving my car. It’s not me. I don’t recognize him at all and I don’t have the foggiest idea where we are going, but thankfully we are still on St. Charles.
I attempt to interrogate the driver, but like a bad nightmare, my words come out garbled and incoherent, probably because of the surreal situation and partly because of the beer.
“I’m Paul, man,” the driver said. “I’m helping you out.”
“Where are we going?” I managed to ask.
“Slidell.”
At this point, I began to suspect that something had gone terribly wrong.
I grabbed my cell phone and called Brandon, hoping he would explain to me why a stranger named Paul, who had shoulder-length blond hair and several piercings on his face, was driving me to Slidell.
When Brandon asked me where I was, I knew I had a problem.
I began peppering Paul with questions, namely why I would possibly want to go to Slidell since I didn’t live there and I had no intention of leaving New Orleans for the foreseeable future.
“Man, I’m trying to help you out,” Paul kept telling me.
By the time we got down to Napoleon, something I said made Paul turn around, but only begrudgingly.
He began to get mad at me, telling me over and over that he was trying to help me out.
Eventually, I said something to him about getting out of my car and he pulled up on the neutral ground next to several police officers and got out, infuriated that I didn’t want to accept his help.
It dawned on me right about then that I didn’t know how long he was in my car before I woke up, so I began searching through my things to see if anything was missing.
“I didn’t take anything from you. I was trying to help you out!” Paul insisted.
I informed him in no uncertain way that since he was no longer driving my car and we were now standing face to face, his best option was to leave my general vicinity immediately.
He did, and I drove back to my spot on Toledano.
Any other place, any other time, and I would have ended up in a hospital or a morgue, not with the mother of all Mardi Gras stories.
Nothing was taken from me, my car and my person escaped harm altogether, and I ended up with a slightly better parking spot at the end of the ordeal.
I still don’t know who Paul was or where he was really taking me, but I do know one thing: the next time I take a nap on St. Charles in the middle of the night; I’m locking my doors and not opening them up for anyone.